Betty Ford Clinic
(Rita Abrams/Elmo Shropshire)
Just the other day at the supermart
Somethin' caught my eye, somethin' grabbed my heart
Every big time star in every magazine
Is sayin' Betty Ford is what's happening
Wo, let me in to the Betty Ford Clinic
Where all the hippest people stay
Though I don't do no drugs or booze
There ain't no substance I abuse
Oh Betty, don't refuse me anyway
Well a boy like me, where's he gonna go
Just to hobnob & rub elbows
With Liz & Liza & Chevy Chase?
Well, Betty Ford is the only place
I got to get in to the Betty Ford Clinic
I got to find a way, I swear
Though I never have been strung out
I would love to say I hung out
With the stars who check in there
Hey, here comes one now!
Wo, what's he on?
I'll stroll along with Jerry Lee
We'll play ping pong & watch TV
I can't worship my role models
While they're weaning from their bottles
But Betty, baby, please consider me
Wo, let me in to the Betty Ford Clinic
Where all the hippest people stay
Though I don't do no drugs or booze
There ain't no substance I abuse
Oh Betty, don't refuse me anyway
Though I don't shoot nor sniff nor snort
I'm just dyin' to cavort
Oh Betty, I'll do anything!
By the way, did I ever tell you that I think your husband was the finest President that this country has ever known?
Betty, please commit me right away
Bottoms up!
Prenuptial Agreement
(Rita Abrams/Elmo Shropshire)
(Note: The word "prenuptial" is written below as "prenuptual" because that's how Elmo pronounced it in the song.)
My darlin', today we'll be married
& soon you'll be wearing my ring
& I know I'll be faithful forever
If you'll just do this one little thing
Won't you just sign this prenuptual agreement?
& I swear I will share all my dreams with you
If you don't sign this prenuptual agreement
I'm afraid all of my nightmares will come true
Now honey, you know you are the great love of my life
You are my first love but you are not my first wife
If I had known what she'd turn into when the romance passed
A simple little piece of paper would have saved my assets
So just sign this prenuptual agreement
Come on now, honey; it'll just take a second, it won't hurt
If you'll just sign this prenuptual agreement
If we lose our love then I won't lose my shirt
Now, darlin', I weren't what you'd call a wealthy man
But I have my wide-screen Magnavox & my Chevy van
But when her barracuda lawyers sunk their fangs in me
I had to pawn my VCR to pay her alimony
So just sign this prenuptual agreement
If you expect me to believe your love is real
If you don't sign this here hot-chicken agreement
Well I'm sorry, but we just can't close the deal
What's that, honey? YOU want ME to sign one?
You won the WHAT? You won the LOTTERY?
Oh honey! Oh no no no no no no no!
Surely you don't think I'd stoop SO LOW as to take anything that wasn't mine
No matter what them lawyers say!
You know what? Let's just shred these documents
'Cause you mean more to me than all the money in the...
How much did you say you won in that lottery?
Preachers Just Wanna Have Fun
(Rita Abrams/Elmo Shropshire)
Savin' souls is a consumin' job
But it's just gotta be done
If you do God's work, you deserve the perks
& preachers just wanna have fun
Yeah, preachers just wanna have fun
Preachin' the gospel to all of our fans
Down at the TV station
If you crave those spotlights & you crave those hot nights
& preachers just wanna have fun
Yeah, preachers just wanna have fun
Satan is waitin' to get us undone
Preyin' on preachers who wanna have fun
He's in cahoots with the media too
So do as we say & not as we do; hallelu'!
Havin' affairs with those short secretaries
Get a man under the gun
It can cause a coo in your private view
& preachers just wanna have fun
Yeah, preachers just wanna have fun
Lord, have mercy, brethren!
A banquet of temptation has been spread before me
& though mine eyes have gazed upon it
I swear to you, I have not feasted on it
& I'll say that again:
I HAVE NOT FEASTED ON IT!
Satan is waitin' to get us undone
Preyin' on preachers who wanna have fun
He's in cahoots with the media too
So do as we say & not as we do (ooo, brethren!)
Now, turn out the Ford & the work of the board
& of financial gain we take none
Well now, I gotta fly 'cause my limo's outside
& preachers just wanna have fun
Yeah, preachers just wanna have fun
Ladies & gentlemen, help the Reverend fight the Devil!
For just a $20 donation, we'll send you, absolutely free,
A full-color centerfold of your favorite evangelist!
Say hallelujah! (Hallelujah!) Unto heaven, praise
Get out your hymnals, turn to page 68 & let's ALL sing!
(Preachers just wanna have) preachers just wanna have
(Preachers just gotta have) preachers just got to have
(Just a little fun now) just a little fun now
(Preachers just wanna have) preachers just wanna have
... & fade
Lose That Lard
(Rita Abrams/Elmo Shropshire)
Last Saturday night, the missus & me
We was puttin' on our best duds
It was bingo night at the KFC
& they were servin' free knocks & suds
She said "Hon? I can't fit these pants!
Could you please come here & try it?"
I said "You & them pants'll be in splitsville, hon
Unless you go on a diet."
Now she just turns around & stares me down
& purrs in a voice so sweet:
"So when was the last time you looked down
& was able to see your feet?"
So I snuck a peek & began to cuss
My great big white spare tire
"Let's pick a diet from a source we can trust
Our beloved National Enquirer"
CHORUS:
Well it's gonna be hard to lose this lard
But we gotta go on a diet
She gotta go (he gotta go)
We gotta go on a diet!
We saw before-&-after photos you wouldn't believe
Like miracles before our eyes
My gal lost 50 pounds in one night
& 2 feet off of her thighs
I said, "Hon, here's one where you can't eat none
& you just drink through a straw
Well it wouldn't be cheap, but I'd pay a heap
To see 'em wirin' up your jaw"
She goes "Sweetie, this one's for you too
'Cause you wouldn't have to do no thinkin'
If you were on a diet, I wouldn't have to cook
& you could just keep right on drinkin'!"
(chorus)
We tried juice-fast body wraps, pinked in Prittic
& Oprah & Dickey Simmons
There was tummy tucks, liposucs, oh 8 pounds
A way old brand of hypnotism
Oh we could go on about the diets we done
& the foods & the fads, oh brother
But suffice it to say, we woke up one day
& barely recognized each other
Now my little woman was lookin' trim
In her hot Spand-ur-ex tights
& I was fillin' out my bowlin' shirt
With a shape that'd knock out her life
Well it sure was hard to lose that lard
But we fin'lly went on a diet
She fin'lly went (he fin'lly went)
We fin'lly went on a diet
But as I strutted in front of the mirror
The strangest look came across her face
She said "Boy, you resemble a prune
With that loose skin all over the place!"
Well, I didn't lose a beat; I said
"Sweetie pie, I ain't never had an inkling
That underneath all that flab o' yers
You're so busy wrinklin'!"
Well, our eyes met & in a flash
We knew what we had to do
So we jumped in the car & ran down to the store
& loaded up on sweets & goo
Now we're livin' on candy, cookies & cake
& ice cream & all like that
'Cause the lesson we learned the hard way was
We look much better fat
(x2):
Well, we worked so hard to lose that lard
But we look much better fat
She looks better (he looks better)
We both look better fat
Battle Of The Singles Scene
(Driftwood/Rita Abrams/Elmo Shropshire)
In 1990 I took a little trip
A-checkin' out the singles scene to find me someone hip
& on the very day my divorce was finalized
I headed for a singles bar, & boy, was I surprised
CHORUS:
These gals today, they ain't what we expected
They ain't as shining hot as they was a while ago
These gals today know how to be aggressive
& much more macho than any guy we know
I saw a pretty thing, she was sittin' at the bar
So I asked to take her home & we went out to my car
But I opened up the door to my beat-up Chevrolet
& she said "I drive a Porsche" & she turned & walked away
(chorus)
Then I went to dance & I met me someone sweet
We went back to her condo for to make the night complete
In the afterglow when I mentioned future plans
She said "Cool it boy, this is just a one-night stand!"
(chorus)
Yeah I ran to the bars & I ran to the dances
& I ran for the places where the single ladies go
I've seen more gals than you can shake a stick at
Each one bossier than the one before
Well, the end of the story, I never would've guessed
These modern single women only made me such a mess
That I did the most bizarre thing I did in all my life
I took a deep breath (gasp, gasp) & I went back to my wife
(chorus)
(repeat verse 4)
You know, the last date I had, she picked out the movie, she picked out the restaurant, she picked out the beer...guess who picked up the check!
...& fade
Dr. Elmo's No-Cash Clinic And Pawn Shop
(P.B. Collins/Rita Abrams/Elmo Shopshire)
You know you've lost your job & health insurance too
You found your baby in bed with achy bweaky flu
You know them germs don't care
You ain't no millionaire
Well here's someone who do; come in to...
Dr. Elmo's No-Cash Clinic & Pawn Shop
Feel like a million without wealth
Don't call me Mister
Dr. Elmo's No-Cash Clinic & Pawn Shop
Barter your way to better health
Give us your Cadillac, we'll cure your cataract
You got a kidney stone, bring us your mobile phone
You need a urine test, bring us your leather vest
Your credit's always good with us; come in to...
Dr. Elmo's No-Cash Clinic & Pawn Shop
We'll patch up your ailin' parts
Wanna put a liver on layaway?
Dr. Elmo's No-Cash Clinic & Pawn Shop
We're healin' & dealin' from the heart
Anybody who watches TV knows there's a shipload of big-ticket diseases out there.
If you ain't got no insurance, you're gonna get caught like a skunk without a stinker.
At Dr. Elmo's, we swap health care for perk & iron. Our 13-step program of preventive wellness maximizes truth but the holistic synergy that our sum is greater than your parts.
You got a pesky bug, bring us your Persian rug
Need a lobotomy, bring in your old RV
We'll plant some brand new hair just for a Frigidaire
Or even an old Corvair; we care at...
Dr. Elmo's No-Cash Clinic & Pawn Shop
We be on duty 'round the clock
Franchises available!
Dr. Elmo's No-Cash Clinic & Pawn Shop
Where it feels good to be in hoc
Remember, Dr. Elmo's, your vehicle to health!
Did You Have To Wait Till Doomsday To Say "I Love You"
(Bogas)
CHORUS:
Did you have to wait till doomsday to say "I love you"?
Did you have to wait till the missiles were in the air?
Now that the world's on red alert & we've all hit the dirt
Now you tell me that you care
For 10 long years we've been a-courtin'
For 10 years there's been only you
I've wined & dined you & I've tried to incline you
Toward tellin' the preacher "I do"
But tonight while we were dancin', an air-raid siren
Made 5000 waltzers hit the floor
& while everyone else was sayin' their prayers
You turned to me & said "Darlin', I'm yours"
(chorus)
Come let me put my arm around your shoulder
& tell me that...that you love me again
& let's hurry & find us a preacher, darlin'
Or my best man will be an ICBM; well...
(chorus)
So let these words be our epitaph
To be certain that our marriage will last:
"Till death do us part, don't open your heart
Till just before an H-bomb blasts"
(chorus)
(Better too late than never.)
Jumping Frog Of Calaveras County
(Elmo Shropshire)
In the heart of California where the angels always camp
& a frog named Dan'el Webster was the legendary champ
In Calaveras County you can hear all nature sing
& a man may be a prince there, but every jumpin' frog's a king
CHORUS:
I'm a jumpin' frog in Calaveras County
I can jump a mile & if you saw me you would swear
That I'm a jumpin' frog in Calaveras County, California
It's springtime; won't you meet me at the fair?
From out of hibernation, come join the celebration
Sunshine, open up the door & let spring fever in
When these good vibrations permeate amphibiations
The jubilee of jumpin' frogs is ready to begin
(chorus)
I'm comin' to California; Calaveras, I wanna warn ya
Ain't a fly is safe when I come hoppin' in
& there ain't no toads allowed, & I'm a-croakin' right out loud
Green is the color of my true love's skin
(chorus x2)
Ah it's springtime; won't you meet me at the fair?
On The Phone Again
(lyrics by Rita Abrams/Elmo Shopshire; music by Willie Nelson)
On the phone again
I can't believe she's on the phone again
Seems every second she spends yakkin' with her friends
& I'm danged if she ain't on the phone again
On the phone again
You'd think she'd need a breather now & then
Last month's phone bill almost knocked me on my end
But bless her hide, she's on the phone again
On the phone again
When she dials the next 2 digits I get fearful
Her long-distance friends
You'd think by now they'd fin'lly have an earful
& it's scareful
On the phone again
That ring turns her into a cackling hen
If I weren't chicken, I'd drive her 'round the bend
& I'd never let her get on that phone again
Hon, there's a sale on mug warmers down at the mall!
Sweetie, your soap opera's on!
THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!
On the phone again
See her gabbin' down the highway, what a fine sight
There she goes again
Pilin' up the mileage on her cellular & cellulite
On the phone again
Oh wait, she's off! Ah! now, she's on again
Someday she'll hang it up, but I'll be dead by then
& she'll pause & then get on that phone again
Yes she'll pause & get on the phone again
Kentucky Road Made Of Human Hair
(John Hoy)
Kentucky road made of human hair
There's a road in Kentucky where people stop & stare
There's a road in Kentucky composed of human hair
& I'm goin' there soon if I can get there
Kentucky road made of human hair
Well I'm feelin' really lucky & I'm feelin' really scared
I'm feelin' kinda yucky but I ain't afraid of hair
& when I arrive, gonna comb that road up there
Kentucky road made of human hair
I hope it's not greasy, I hope it's really soft
You know hair can be fleecy with a proper cloth
Brushes & currycombs, buckets of shampoo
Well soon I'll be on that road; I can't believe it's true
I've given up on asphalt, sayin' goodbye to cement
I don't need no macadam, don't remember what it meant
Just to give me a highway where the follicles are there
Kentucky road made of human hair
When I die & go to heaven, I know how I'll get up there
I'll just climb on Root 11 composed of angel hair
& I'll climb that road to that gool ol' glowing chair
That heavenly road made of angel hair
(repeat verse 1)
(title x2)
Greenhouse Effect
(Rita Abrams/Elmo Shropshire)
Well, there's a little somethin' that's been freakin' me
I read it in the news, I saw it on TV
It turned my little world into a total wreck
A crazy little thing called the Greenhouse Effect
It seems that the conveniences of modern ways
Cars, refrigerators, styrofoam, hairsprays
Are causin' cataclysms we did not expect
A crazy little thing called the Greenhouse Effect
CHORUS:
Chlorofluorocarbons strip away ozone
We can't seem to leave the rain forest alone
Temperatures are rising & I've now deduced
That the chickens (or turkeys) of progress have come home to roost
Oh I always drive the freeway in a bulletproof vest
Have fiber in my diet & a blood pressure test
But this is one disaster I did not expect
A crazy little thing called the Greenhouse Effect
No thanks, ma'am. Neither paper nor plastic for me.
I brought my own woven bag. Cans here, bottles there, newspapers here!
(chorus)
Oh people, follow me, this planet can be saved
I moved from my condo back into a cave
I've found out Mother Nature's answer to high tech
A crazy little thing called the Greenhouse Effect
Start to recycle, ride your bicycle
Let's put a hex on the Greenhouse Effect!
Don't Pet The Dog
(John Handley)
Say your girl asks you over to meet Mama & Papa
She tells them that she thinks you're nice
There's trouble ahead, you wished you were dead
So follow this friendly advice:
CHORUS:
Don't pet the dog
Don't pet him whatever you do
He ain't been fixed & he knows some tricks
That will sure make a fool out of you
Don't pet the dog
He gets it confused with romance
Leave him alone, or the first thing you know
He'll be taking your leg to the dance
You say it's OK to push him away
What's his name? Does he sit up & beg
& you feel like a fool 'cause it's hard to be cool
With a dog that's attached to your leg
(chorus)